


Shovel Talks

by sebastian2017



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: M/M, and its adorable, even teeny Daisy, everyone loves eggsy, theyre all like 'fite me m8'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 22:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5761261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebastian2017/pseuds/sebastian2017
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the Hartwin Secret Santa. Prompt was: Fic where Eggsy and Harry recently got together and literally everybody (from the agents to the support staff to Ryan and Jamal to probably even Daisy) gives Harry the shovel talk. everybody just really loves Eggsy a lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shovel Talks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [reptilianraven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptilianraven/gifts).



  
Eggsy wormed his way into people's hearts almost effortlessly. Harry knew this. Of course he knew this. He'd fallen prey to Eggsy's wit and charm pathetically quickly. Just a few minutes after they'd met and Harry had already known that he'd take the moon out of the sky for Eggsy. It had seemed like the natural response to him. There's just something about Eggsy that demands love and kindness. Harry had expected there'd be some people who would get a bit protective over their friend, but he couldn't have even imagined what he was in for. 

He received a talk from Michelle almost immediately, the very day after they made it official in fact. That one, he'd been prepared for. In fact, when Michelle had texted him a location and a time to be there, Harry had already been dressed in his suit in anticipation. He arrived early, but only by a few minutes. It's just as unbecoming of a gentleman to arrive too early as it is to arrive late. When Michelle arrived, Harry had gotten them both coffee and some pastries. He knew it would take a far bigger peace offering to get Michelle to ease up on her grudge against him, but a cinnamon roll and croissant certainly couldn't hurt. Michelle sneered down at it for a moment before sitting down across from Harry. 

"So I hear you're datin' my baby boy," she said, staring cooly at him. 

Harry nodded. "That I am. Incredibly lucky to be, as well. I love him very much, Ms. Unwin. He's a remarkable young man." 

Michelle huffed, crossing her arms over his chest and leaning back in the chair. "There's lots of things I could say 'bout why that's a bad idea. Could mention how you're twice his age. Or my husband disappearin' for a few months an' then you comin' back without even a body. Or makin' me lie awake at night wonderin' if he's gonna come back from his business trips - an' don't pull that stupid tailor bullshit. I ain't stupid. I know my baby boy ain't no tailor." 

"And that's all true, but-"

"Oi, I wasn't done talkin' yet, Hart," she scolded. "Don't think you can talk over me 'cause you've got your fancy suits an' big house. You'll sit an' listen while I talk to you. Now, I know you're a 'tailor' jus' like Eggsy, but I want you to know that despite that, I'd still kill you if you ever do anything to my baby boy. You got that? 'Cause I know you think your tough an' all, but there ain't no tricks you got up your sleeves that are gonna be able to save you from me. You got that?" 

Harry's faced down dictators and mob bosses, been down the barrel of a gun and staring at rapidly descending timers on bombs. Yet despite the nearly three decades Harry had under his belt as a spy , he'd never been as scared as he was sitting in a tiny London cafe with Michelle Unwin. "Yes, ma'am, understood. I promise I won't hurt him. That's the last thing I would ever want."

"Good. Eggsy comes by for dinner every Sundays. I expect to see you there from now on." She gave him the first smile of the afternoon before standing up and leaving.

She hadn't even touched her coffee, though Harry wasn't surprised by that. Michelle had been a woman on a mission when she'd stepped in here. Harry had never been so intimidated in his life, even in his worst days at Kingsman. He wondered briefly if maybe there was some way to get Michelle in their interrogation team. They wouldn't even need to use their interrogation rooms. They could just have her take their marks out to coffee shops and they'd be spilling their secrets. Harry was sure of it. 

He shuddered at the thought and cleared off the table they'd been in. He was glad that was over. He's sure he'll get another talk from Roxy, but the worst had passed. He'd call Eggsy later and tell him the good news, as well as perhaps beg for some advice as to how to make a good impression at Sunday dinner. As his car was pulling up to his home, Harry was debating whether bringing along flowers or wine was more appropriate. Maybe even a present for Daisy. Lost in thought as he was, he still spotted the two hooded figures loitering about his front porch. Harry gave his driver a command to stand back while Harry went to evaluate the threat. 

He approached the men, keeping his hand hovering near his holster. He let out a breath of relief when the hoodies came down and he spotted that it was just Eggsy's friends, Ryan and Jamal. Harry called out a hello and went up to them. "Good afternoon, boys. Eggsy's not here right now, I'm afraid." 

"Oh, we know," Ryan said, nodding. 

Jamal took a step closer to Harry, squaring off his shoulders and trying to make himself look bigger than he was. "We came to talk to you, bruv. Since Eggsy's sweet on you." 

"Oh." Harry had been wholly unprepared for this. Michelle he'd seen coming, he'd mentally prepared for that. When he went into work the next day, he was fully expecting Roxy to corner him and he was prepared for that as well. He hadn't expected Ryan and Jamal to give him the same talk. The two boys had always seemed so intimidated by his wealth, he had never imagined them actually coming to his doorstep to confront him. 

"I know you cleaned the floor wiv Dean's boys, but that don't scare us, an' if we ever hear somefin' bad from Eggsy..." Jamal started.

Ryan finished, "We're gonna do the same to you, bruv. 'Cept we ain't gonna be so nice. 'Cause Eggsy's our best mate." 

"That's right. An' we're both willin' to go to jail for straight up murder for him." Jamal made a show of straightening out Harry's lapels and Harry strongly suspected the two had been watching Hollywood films to prepare for this talk. "So don't make us go to jail. Okay, Hart? Don't hurt even a hair on his head." 

"Well, boys, as heartwarming as it is to see how much you care, your worry is misplaced. The last thing I want to do is hurt Eggsy," Harry promises, stepping around them to open his front door. Ryan and Jamal were unexpected, but not nearly as scary as Michelle had been. Harry won't let them intimidate him. "Anything else I can get you? Tea, perhaps?" 

"Nah, bruv, that was it. Remember, don't hurt him, yeah? Ain't no one gonna find the body," Ryan promised. 

Jamal nodded in agreement. Both boys pop their hoods back on and walk away in near perfect synchronization. Harry wondered if they'd practiced before coming to his house. He wouldn't have been surprised. Eggsy and his friends could be a bit melodramatic like that. He loved Eggsy with all his heart, but God, he had strange friends. Harry would tell Eggsy about this as well when they talked that night. They could both have a chuckle over it, he was sure. 

At least now any surprises were out of the way. Michelle was done, Roxy would be handled in the morning, and Ryan and Jamal, as unexpected as their visit had been, were gotten over with. Soon, Harry would be done with all the uncomfortable business of recieving his shovel talks. He was glad of that, too. They weren't much fun, made him feel a bit like a criminal, if Harry was being completely honest. Like someone on the wrong side of a holdup. 

He grabbed the day's newspaper and poured himself some whiskey to accompany his read. The news was almost entertaining to read through now that he only did desk work and didn't have to worry about getting sent off to handle the nit and grit of all the politics being reported. He was sympathetic to Eggsy, though. He could spot several headlines that could result in his lover getting sent off for a few days. Harry was halfway through reading about some trade disputes when there was a knock at the door. He sighed and put his paper aside before going to answer it. He'd been expecting Eggsy on a surprise visit, perhaps Ryan and Jamal to deliver some cliched lines they'd forgotten. Instead, it was Merlin on his front step. That was odd in and off itself, Merlin wasn't one to make visits unexpected. Even odder, Merlin was holding a stack of papers against his chest. Despite his reputation as a workaholic, Merlin tended to leave paperwork at the office. 

Harry let him inside and immediately went to pour him a few fingers of whiskey. "Any particular reason for your visit?" 

"Yes, actually. I'm here on behalf of the tech department. We wanted to give you these as a bit of a reminder," Merlin explained.

He passed Harry the folders and as Harry flipped through them quickly, he realized they were surveillance pictures of himself. Walking down the street, sleeping in his bed, making dinner, even one of him as he brushed his teeth in the morning. The most recent picture was one of him at the coffee shop with Michelle. Harry crosses and uncrosses his legs anxiously as he leans forward to put the folder back down on the table. 

Harry cleared his throat and fixed his tie. "I don't think I need to tell you that those pictures are extremely creepy. Even for you, my friend." 

"Says the man with the stuffed dog in his bathroom," Merlin grumbles under his bathroom. He leans forward and takes the folders back. "The support staff and I simply wanted to remind you of the constant surveillance we have on you. Consider it a bit of encouragement to behave with caution in your relationship with Eggsy. Should you hurt him, we'll know where you are. We'll track you down and make you regret you were ever even born. There's no hiding from us, therefore, I suggest you treat Eggsy with the utmost courtesy." 

Harry can't believe it. Not this again. Three times in one day when he'd expected two at most. Did Eggsy bribe all these people to come here on his behalf? No, Harry knew they were all just as charmed with the lad as he was. And how could they not be? Eggsy was a remarkable human being. It was almost impossible to dislike him. Harry just wished he'd gotten a bit more of a heads up before he had all these threats coming at him from all directions. 

He nodded. "I understand, of course. And it's quite all right. As I told Michelle and Eggsy's friends, I would never hurt him. I'd rather die than see Eggsy hurt by my hand." 

"Wonderful. It would have been such a shame to have to get rid of you. You're a good drinking buddy," Merlin remarked, putting aside his empty glass.  
Harry rolled his eyes. "And may I suggest we put agency resources to better use than spying on me in my own goddamn bathroom?" 

"I'll consider it if you let me take home that whiskey decanter." 

Needless to say, Merlin went home with a new decanter and Harry hid behind towels the entire time he was changing for bed. When he was in bed and all but his bedside light were turned off, he reached for his phone and dialed up Eggsy's number. Eggsy answered on the third ring. 

"Good evening, luv. How was the first day of being my official boyfriend?" he asked. Harry could practically hear the grin on Eggsy's face. 

"It was... interesting," he answered. "I received three shovel talks. Three! All within two or so hours of one another. It was ridiculous, Eggsy, simply ridiculous."

Eggsy laughed. "Three? Jesus, bruv, who was it?"

"There was your mother, of course. Ryan and Jamal were waiting at my door when I came home. Merlin showed up a short while after Ryan and Jamal left. You're an intimidating person to date, my love." 

"Intimidating? Darlin', my mum wouldn't hurt a fly, Ryan an' Jamal are totaly sweethearts, an' you know Merlin loves you. C'mon, it couldn't have been that scary."

"It was pretty scary." 

"Sure, whatever you say. I'll see you tomorrow at work, 'kay? Love you."

"And I you. Sleep well." 

It was always comforting to fall asleep just after hearing Eggsy's voice in his ear and Harry all but forgot about dealing with all the shovel talks. It was blisfully the last thing on his mind until he was interrupted while trying to make himself some tea in the Kingsman break room. Harry sighed wearily and turned to face Roxy. He was over this already. He really was. 

"Let me guess. You love Eggsy very much and if I hurt him, you'll hurt me," Harry deadpanned, looking throughly unimpressed. 

Roxy only faltered by a moment. "Yes and-"

Harry interrupted, "And no one will ever find the body? I'll regret being born? You're not afraid to go to jail? Yes, Lancelot, I'm afraid I heard it all by now." 

"Damn." Roxy sighed. "Who beat me to it? I really wanted to give you Eggsy's shovel talk."

"Lancelot, dear, four other people beat you to it. Michelle already gave it to me. Ryan and Jamal threatened me on my door step. Even Merlin got in a few words." 

"Merlin? That bastard! He promised he'd hold off until I got a chance to threaten you first! Wait until I see him today..." 

Harry left the room before he heard any more about his friends conspiring threats. He could only hope that Eggsy was getting a fraction as much of the hassle as Harry. That would make it at least a little fairer. Thankfully, though, things calmed down after that. Eggsy had laughed at Harry for how flustered he'd gotten about it all, they'd shared some kisses, and that had been that. The entire ordeal had been forgotten. Sure, Michelle was quite possibly the scariest person Harry knew, but that was fine. Harry would never give her a reason to be upset at him so he had nothing to worry about. His new concerns had been stressing out about dinner on Sunday. 

That had gone wonderfully smoothly. Harry had been the perfect gentleman, Eggsy had been charming as usual, and Michelle had been shockingly nice to him. Harry couldn't have asked for a better evening. And it only got better when Daisy had invited him to a tea party with her stuffed toys. Eggsy and Michelle were tidying up in the kitchen while Daisy and Harry sat cross legged on the living room floor, drinking pretend tea off a minature table. Harry treated it with all the importance of tea with the Queen. In fact, in the many times he'd had tea with the Queen, he hadn't treated it as importantly as this. 

Suddenly, Daisy swept aside her plastic tea set and grabbed three small bears. She held up the bigger two. "Do you see these two bears? This is King and this is Prince. King and Prince are really, really in love and they hold hands a lot 'cause that's what in love people do." She held up the smaller bear. "This is Princess Bear. Prince Bear's little sister. One day, King Bear wasn't a very good bear and he was a mean poopoo head to Prince Bear. Prince Bear got really sad after that. When Princess Bear found out, she got really, really mad, so she called up her army of crocodiles all named JB and they tore King Bear apart into teeny tiny pieces. He didn't die really quickly, though, 'cause the crocodiles were specially trained to make it hurt lots and lots." She sat Prince and Princess down together and threw King Bear at two stuffed crocodiles. Daisy then proceeded to make a big show of the crocodiles chewing on King Bear. "Don't be King Bear, okay?" She beamed at him and kissed his cheek before running off to the kitchen to plead with her mother to get some more ice cream, leaving Harry absolutely dumbfounded on the living room floor. 

He'd changed his mind. Michelle wasn't the scariest person he knew. Daisy definitely took that place.


End file.
